Local Police Declare Inability to Act Without M1 Abrams Tanks
Officers have been training with latest in simulation technology
In an astonishing press release that has left residents scratching their heads and chuckling under their breath, the local police department announced today that they will no longer be responding to any incidents, including tracking stolen vehicles or preventing home invasions, without the assistance of an M1 Abrams tank. The decision, they claim, is a strategic move aimed at reducing the damage caused when their own officers, allegedly under the influence, crash department-issued vehicles.
"Our analysis clearly shows that the inclusion of military-grade tanks in our operational fleet will significantly lower the incidence of property damage during such unfortunate mishaps," explained the Chief of Police, standing confidently in front of a PowerPoint slide adorned with clipart of tanks and bewildered citizens. "Furthermore, we believe that the sheer presence of a tank will discourage any would-be criminals, as well as sober up any of our officers who might have accidentally indulged a bit too much."
Residents are puzzled by the logistics of this new policy, especially in light of recent events that have highlighted the department's creative excuses for lack of action. Last month, a Toronto police officer suggested leaving car keys by the front door to avoid home invasions, a Gatineau man's quest to track his stolen vehicle ended in disappointment at the Port of Montreal due to police inaction, and a Durham officer was demoted after crashing a car while allegedly drunk, then reporting it stolen.
In response to queries about the feasibility of navigating narrow city streets and residential areas with a 60-ton battle tank, the department's spokesperson assured that "minor logistical challenges" are being addressed through a proposed partnership with local video game developers. "They have a lot of experience with simulations where tanks drive through cities. We're learning a lot from them," the spokesperson said, seemingly unfazed by the perplexed expressions of the press.
Critics of the plan have been quick to voice their concerns, suggesting that resources might be better allocated towards community policing efforts, enhanced training, or perhaps even a few lessons in accountability and sobriety for the officers in question. However, the department remains steadfast in their commitment to this tank-based strategy, citing unspecified data suggesting a dramatic reduction in pencil thefts from their offices since the announcement.
The police department has not yet announced when the first M1 Abrams will be rolled out onto the streets, but they assure the public that once operational, everyone will feel "absolutely safer, or at least significantly more entertained."
As for the citizens of the city, many are taking this news in stride, with community groups organizing tank-watching parties and local comedians finding a wealth of new material.